Do It For Yourself

For many, many months now I have been fighting myself - my inner voices, my rational brain - about publishing something, anything, to an audience.  Over the years, many have told me that they enjoy my writing when I've made various attempts, such as my JackieduMonde blog phase, where I documented my travel adventures as I settled into my life in Europe.  

At that time, I admit that it felt good to hear that others enjoyed my words and my adventures. I didn't fully believe it, minimizing the compliments in all of the ways some of us tend to do.  At the same time, I didn't really care - I started that blog to share my experiences with others, as I embarked on a new life far away from my childhood home and people I knew.

Today, so many years later, other narratives have taken over, mostly centered around the value of my words in an overly crowded space.  What do I have to say that others haven't already expressed?  Who will really care?  My words are so simple, trite even, who will be touched by them?  There is also some kind of way I think I need to speak, that aligns with a vision of me that I believe others have.  It feels that after Google, I have to say something really important, clear, well thought through - making use of all the communication techniques that I became well versed in over the years.  

The block is real.  I feel it in my throat when I think about it, as if the muscles are closing around my vocal chords, blocking any words I would dare to utter.  These words do find a channel in my writing but then to take those words and broadcast them to the world??!  The tightness settles into my throat, my body feels a little numb, and I put it off for another moment, adding the carefully constructed words to another digital document in my "Writing” folder, where it likely will never see the light of day.  

Stick with me, there is a point to why I am telling you all of this.  See how I'm already judging that the words I've said will not have sufficiently pulled you in to keep going?  Everywhere you go, there you are, people…it’s even kind of amusing when you think about it.

I recently attended a workshop to support a friend who is a new coach.   During it, she led us through a visualization with our inner leader and at one moment, she told us to share a fear with her and listen for her response.  

I looked at my inner leader, who, by the way, I met on a beautiful sprawling beach.  She was standing there, barefoot but decked out in a white power suit with a coral silk blouse, elegantly accessorized and with voluminous flowing hair that current Jackie struggles to achieve.  I told my fabulously dressed, grounded, calm and powerful version of myself that I was afraid nobody would like / hear / get value from what I say.  

She had a very simple, but clear response, "do it for yourself”.

I looked at her in disbelief.  Not write for an expected outcome?  Not write to please an audience?  Not write in the quest of perfection?  Just write because I enjoy it, because maybe I need it, because, well maybe, we don't need to justify every impulse with a reason, a plan, an outcome?  

I felt a sense of freedom and excitement wash over me.  

She's a real badass that inner leader of mine, she's breaking all of those rules and constraints I have designed for myself.  I like her for that, and I'm going to listen to her for a while.

So welcome, if you’d like to read and engage, I’ll warmly have you.   And if not, I'll still be here, doing it for myself.